It was the goodness of the Lord to
give me such compunction even when it was not as yet accompanied with
complete reformation. But the whole root of my evil lay in my not
thoroughly avoiding all occasions of sin, and in my confessors, who
helped me at that time so little. If they had only told me what a
dangerous road it was I was travelling in, and that I was bound to break
off all occasions of sin, I do believe, without any doubt, that the
matter would have been remedied at once. Nevertheless, I can trace
distinctly the mercy of God to me in that all the time I had still the
courage to pray. I say courage, because I know nothing in the whole
world that requires greater courage than plotting treason against the
King, knowing that He knows it, and yet continuing to frequent His
presence in prayer. I spent more than eighteen years in that miserable
attempt to reconcile God and my life of sin. The reason that I tell and
repeat all this so often is that all who read what I write may understand
how great is that grace God works in the soul when He gives it a
disposition to pray on, even when it has not yet left off all sin.
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