I saw that there were some secret
affections still left in me, which, though they were not very bad perhaps
in themselves, yet in a life of prayer such as I was attempting those
remanent affections spoiled all.
(3) _Eighteen Years of Misery in Prayer_.--It is not without very good
reason that I have dwelt so long on this part of my life. It will give
no one any pleasure to see any one so base as I was. And I wish all who
read this to have me in abhorrence. I failed in all obedience, because I
was not leaning on my strong pillar of prayer. I passed nearly twenty
years of my life on this stormy sea, constantly tossed with tempest and
never coming to harbour. It was the most painful life that can be
imagined, because I had no sweetness in God, and certainly no sweetness
in sin. I was often very angry with myself on account of the many tears
I shed for my faults, when I could not but see how little improvement all
my tears made in me. All my tears did not hold me back from sin when the
opportunity returned. Till I came to look on my tears as little short of
a delusion: and yet they were not.
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